HURTING

I know we are not all meant to be happy, all the time, but I think I come as some sort of an off cut, something that went wrong in the process. It seems like whenever I am having a good day, and I am feeling happy not only with those around me or my relationship but within myself, someone or something always has to ruin that. It is rare that i ever feel happy with myself, and when the chance ever arises, it is unfairly taken away from my by someone who doesn't deserve my happiness or in this case my unhappiness. I hate the fact that being with you means I automatically have to be with your friends, your friends that ignore me, patronize me, gang up on me, bitch to me, and even more so try and make me break up with you by destroying my trust i have for you, Im sorry but I cannot take a package deal, I have enough to handle as it is and today was the final straw, I cannot stand someone I dont even know saying something like they did, it was so unfair and it hurt so much, and I dont think I will ever be okay about anything again. It made me question our love, relationship and what trust I have left, it made me hurt, hurt so fucking bad. Im sorry, but I do not like any of your friends, and I hope they rot in hell.

blood

is blood really what binds you? does blood define your relationship and love for your biological relatives? for your mother or father, sister or brother? I beg to differ. Blood has nothing to do with likeness, with love, with family or with responsibility. Blood simply means sharing the same strands of DNA, no more no less. I was talking with my mom tonight out at dinner and I could help but let out all my pent up feelings to her, and let it all gush out. So I told her the sadness i feel everyday inside of me, the absolute pain I feel to my core, and this was her answer "You are grieving maddy, you are grieving for the family you lost, for what once was, and for what will never be", she has to be the smartest woman in the whole wide world, she is my solid, impenetrable rock, my dear beautiful mother. And that is what is right, I am grieving for the father I will never have, not because he is dead or in jail, but because he has never been in my life and because at this rate he never really will be. This is the truth, no matter how much help I get, no matter how many years go by, I will always be "grieving for the family I have lost".

to dear girl who begins with C

I dislike you, go away.

Mmmm...

So for the first time in months I have been happy and really enjoying life. I woke up this morning and go "FUCK THAT" like seriously fuck that, you dont deserve my unhappiness, I'm not going to wallow in misery because i hate you or because you make me upset or because you said this to me, FUCK THAT. so i woke up thinking fuck the whole world, and i decided I'd be positive, I set my mind to it and completely changed my mind frame, and to contrary to popular belief it worked! I walked down the street to the bus stop listening to Dead Prez on full blast imagining all the people I disliked at that moment in pain, yeah i felt good. I blitzed the rest of the day and actually enjoyed myself, I had a really good day, but ironically of course whenever your on a high, there is always someone to come kill that mood, YEAH FUCK YOU BITCH. But hey I dont know you and you suck and stop being such a faggot because you kill my mood and thats so not cool. And also fuck you man, your such a dick like pay some respect. No naming names. Anyway Ive been feeling good, despite the fact I have been hating on the whole world and talking shit, I feel good, I'ts all good.

Numb

I feel... numb. Please come and rescue me.

safety

Honestly

I love partying, I cant deny it. Sure we all regret it in the morning when we wake up regretting things we may have said or done, regretting that poor choice of clothing or the amount of intoxicating consumptions, but come on, no one can tell me they hate a good party! I love all my friends and even the people I wouldnt normally associate with, and to be honest everyone is just so much more approachable when they are drunk, so everyone just has a good time. I love talking to everyone and just making a complete fool of myself without a care in the world, I love being around the people that make me feel happy safe and loved. I just love a good party. Regardless of the dumb sluts, the people who 'had a bit too much' the ones you have to take care of and the ones you have to avoid, it really is just an all around good night usually, and at the end of the day why regret the stupid things! I love life at the moment and all who are in it!

Dear C

I think you have grown a bit better in the past months, you have let what was left of your heart shrivel up and now you are nothing but an empty shell, and you are trying to occupy this shell with the pain you cause other people, oh you are such a cynical man, although can i even call you a man? although you have reached the age at which one should be called a man, you show the maturity of an eleven year old, and I look down on you for that. You are not a nice person to talk to, although in saying that you never much were, and I cannot imagine that your company would be any less than torture. You used to be nice, although even when you were nice to me you treated me more as a disposable item than a lover. I do not know what it is but there is just something about you that really repulses me about you, and you are no one i want in my life, believe me. You truly have out done your self C, I hope you live a happy and fulfilled life, feeding off the misery of others like some kind of sick animal. I loath you.

Irrelevant

I do not understand why I have such difficulty living and enjoying life to its highest potential.

sick as a dog

I honestly hate being sick. I feel so helpless, and all I can do is lie and bed and cry because of how much pain I feel and how much I hate being sick, and curse the god that doesnt exist for the immune system I have been given. I feel kind of like an elephant is inside my head, weighing it down and blocking it up, I feel kind of like my nose has been replaced by a tap and my throat with a blender and my stomach has been turned upside down so everything that goes in comes straight up again. I feel absolutely pathetic I just want to go to school, ha yeah seriously like want to be normal. I want to do so many things that I am limited to all the time because of how sensitive my body is, and because it is so easy for me to get sick, and when I get sick boy is it bad. I suck, I hate bullshit days.

kilometers

Are the only things we can measure our relationship in, otherwise it is absoultely endless. I love you with all the world, so much now and for ten months you have been my absolute rock. I admire you in so many ways, with the integrity you have for your skills and your inspirations and with the love and support you show your friends. You have such a kind heart and you are always giving, that is something I will always remember. You are also not only the most beautiful man I have ever seen, but also the most beautiful human. You have such a humble beauty about you, and your smile is one of the first thing I feel in love with. Your eyelashes capture me only to lure your prey to your eyes, I cannot imagine anything more beautiful. I have never had anyone speak to me or touch me like you have, and I am thankful for that every waking moment, I cannot believe I have you, you seriously make me feel so good and I feel so safe whenever I am near you. I wish distance was never a problem, and that fights were never a given, but both are inevitable and we just have to do the best we have with what we've got, and I have you, my rock and my prince I absolutely adore you and I am in no way afraid or embarrased to admit it, you truely are my best friend and my boyfriend. I have been so priveladged to not only have you in my life, but as someone in my life whom I can love, and be loved in return, not only have we been able to grow as a couple, but in the last ten months I have also grown as a human being, and I thank you for that. I am amazed and thankful that I have been able to watch you grow, and to become a man. I love you very much and I go to sleep with a small smile on my face, feeling honored to be yours. To this very day I marvel at the fact that you are mine, and that my life is so fabulously filled to the brim with love and warmth.

Happy?

I've been thinking a lot about happiness, and its meaning and how long I have now been on my quest to be 'happy', which all got me thinking; Maybe happiness cannot be looked for or found, maybe happiness relies truly in a moment of such a strong serge of unexpected life, that you cant help but throw your hands in the air and laugh. Maybe happiness is just a moment in time, a figure of speech or a memory. Coming from the wise old words of a sixteen year old I cant help but mention I feel a little hypocritical writing this, I have neither traveled the world and discovered myself nor been through any drastic changes in my life, so sitting here writing about happiness does rather dampen my spirits. I do not think that I have lived a worse or better life than anyone else, I simply believe that I have just been through maybe some similar things and some very different things, but instead of crapping on about how shit I have it or how unhappy I am, I would prefer to focus on the fact that sure, I've been through some shit things, and when I say that no I dont mean my GHD broke or my boyfriend broke up with me, I mean some shit things, but I am not going to sit here writing about them, they are for me to dwell on and keep private. Anyway, back to the point, even though I have been through some unfortunate events, I am still quite positive about life, I am really trying to be happy, there is that word again "happy" is anyone ever TRULY happy? I look at my mom, the most beautiful woman in the world, so full of life, wisdom, and positivity, yet through all this she is not 100% happy, she has her own demons. I look at my brother, who never lets anything get to him, he is always smiling laughing and enjoying life, but he is never 100% happy, he still has his own demons. And so I've been thinking, perhaps happiness is possible, perhaps it is just one moment you unexpectedly find yourself in, and perhaps our own demons will inevitably get in the way of our happiness, all I know is I am going to continue to seek this 'happiness' out, because at the end of the day why not be happy?

A wise woman once said "dont let the past live in the present" I am going to live by that from now on.

Words for thought

Hmmm hears something new, a blog where Maddy talks about how upset she is feeling. Wow, I really need to get a new outlet. But here's the thing, I feel upset, (yeah go figure) because I am really tired of people pretending they 'care' so they can find out all the goss and happy happs of your whole entire life. And what I am even more sick of, is people I am involved with that tell other people things about situations they are in with me. Its not okay, and I do not appreciate being violated like that, I never gave you permission to go and talk to someone, first off who is going to be biased about a particular situation which is rather personal that involves me, that is NOT OKAY. I am really tried of people actually pretending, cut the crap I would prefer you to just be upfront rather than beating around the bush and taking the long way so you can discover why im feeling upset, send me some fake comfort and then inevitably hold my stability in your hands. However, either way you go about it you will not leech information so easily as I see everyone around me doing so, I am not an open person although I guess I am contradicting myself by writing an open blog, the difference, this is for ME, for ME to figure out MY thoughts and feeling, so the rest of you can sod off. Anyway back to the main point, yeah it hurts to see you and others go behind my back and do things like this, but it hurts me even more to hear the very judging ears that judge what you say about me, I do not care to see or hear what they say about me, as they are in no position to judge, A) it is none of their business and B) You have only told them your side, but have a cry because they are not getting mine.

The moral of this story people is PRIVACY, such a rare and beautiful thing, but something I cherish no less.

RAGE

I literally dont even want anyone to pay attention to what I write here, not saying that anyone actually does. I just want someone where I can write out my thoughts and feelings, to let them all out instead of telling them to someone and getting judged. I just need to vent, and this I find is the safest place to do so. I always feel so much anger and jealousy, I DONT WANT TO GET JEALOUS IT SUCKS. and most of the time I have no reason to. Its just some girls really shit me, they really get to me and I cant help but loose my cool over them, in fact I really do not like girls. I hate that i get mad and angry over other girls, it always gets me into trouble and they arent even worth it or my energy. Its so stupid and I feel so pathetic that I cant stop it, I just want to be someone that doesnt care about superficial things or other girls, that doesnt get angry all the time and that is emotionally stable most the time. But hey, a girl can dream.

I went to a funeral today. I had never been to a funeral, so for the whole morning I was stressing out about what to wear and what not to wear, and how to behave and act and what to say, to be honest it was quite stressful. I had gathered what I do know about funerals from the few scene's in movies and television shows I have seen, so with only that to go by I sat at the bus stop, all dressed in black preparing myself for a somber demeanor. I did not know the person who died well, but she was a relation of my best friend, so I was purely there to support the person I love most in the world, and to be honest nothing could have prepared me for that. In the readings from her son and other family members, there was such raw emotion being shown, such strong intimacy I had to look away at times, it was just to strong and raw. It felt wrong for me to be watching someone I dont even know pouring their heart and tears out for a woman they loved, I felt almost as if I was intruding on a really Intimate moment. When it was time for the priest to talk, I have to admit I was mad. Not only because this man is a representation of 'god' or because he had such a smug look about him, but because he spoke with such utter hypocrisy, he did not know the person who had passed away yet he spoke as if she were a fond friend, all this "she will be happy in heaven and missed by man" bullshit coming out of this man's mouth who did not even know her, clearly he had done so many bloody funerals he had lost all his compassion and dignity. It just felt wrong, it felt wrong and it made me mad that someone could stand up there and speak for all of us and say those things when he himself did not even know her. It got me thinking, does being around death all the time completely numb your sense of self? does it completely destroy all senses of compassion and humility? I dont know, what I do know is I am DEFINITELY not having a priest at my funeral.

love

p.s

The words I will never be able to speak to you, and hopefully you know who you are:

I dont know how to manage my anger very well. And I dont know what to think of the feelings I feel towards you, I feel so much hate, but now I am wondering if it is not actually hate but just so much sadness that over time has soured and become bitter sadness. Maybe thats what I feel towards you. Because I dont know if I have lived my life long enough to say I actually "hate" someone, or experienced something so tragic to make me "hate" someone. I really dont know what to do, I feel so much anger all the time, but its not towards you, I know it seems that way but... Its not. I just think somethings that happened went too deep to ever forget, and some scars heal but never fade. I do not hate you, but at the same time I am not able to welcome you with open arms as a friend yet either. If it ever came that we were face to face one day, I dont think I would ever hit you, or swear or say anything abusive all my courage would fail me, because in my heart I know its not hate, its just pure sadness, kept inside to rot.

I dont think I am yet ready to appologize, or admit I have any reason to, the pain goes to deep and quite frankly were both in the wrong, it just happens that I was the victim.

All this bitterness, and spite and horrible words between us is just going to fester and rot and get even worse, so I want it to stop, from now on no more bad feelings, It will not only make you feel bad, but also me myself for having such negativity inside me. This is the end of all this, I am not happy at the moment with you, But nor am i angry or hateful.

So this is the part where I step forward, take a big breath and take a plunge from what I knew as 'enemy' to just another respectable human being in my 'life'.

A picture worth one thousand words

sometimes

sometimes I feel sad, and sometimes I know why, sometimes I dont. Sometimes I would like to tell you why I feel sad, and have an answer ready for you, and sometimes I would like to know the answer myself, in order to understand why I have such unease. Sometimes when you ask me questions I would really like to be able to tell you the answer, and it frustrates me when I dont know it myself. I want to be able to give you all the world, and give all of you the best parts of me and the parts you deserve. But sometimes I am sad, sometimes I feel angry and I push you away. Im sorry, Im sorry I get sad, and im sorry I dont know the answer as to why.

People spend their whole lives looking for answers. Answers about ghosts, aliens, love, happiness and peace. And I believe we will all spend our lives looking for that one thing we our selves as individuals are searching for. Right now I know that I am looking for answers about myself, not just so I am able to communicate to you better, But so I would have a better understand and love for myself.

But until then I will keep looking, because sometimes we get lucky...

my most prized possesions.

Something I am much too scared of loosing.

I am happy.

Sydney

I hate Sydney. I am not happy to be back. I miss being away where nothing mattered, where I was free of judgment and responsibility, of troubles and of unfairness. I miss the people there and the utter happiness and genuine spirits they showed. I miss doing nothing yet having the best time with everyone, and becoming closer to people who really do make me smile. I miss being with my best friend in the whole wide world every single night and day. I miss being out where there was nothing, nothing to connect you to society and civilization, just your own thoughts and other people for company, and doing things that wouldnt normally bring you so much fun. I miss all the cakes and the tea and the endless 'who am I?' games. I really do not like to be back here and i am feeling so much resentment and grumpiness towards everyone here in my life, minus the select few I have missed.

I miss you wairo.

9 crimes

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I'd do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright, yeah, with you?

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I'd do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
she's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

No...

Thoughts

I have been feeling lately like I am not concentrating on some things that matter a lot to me. I feel like sometimes I do not express My gratitude and love for the people around me as often as I should. Lately I have really needed the support of my friends, and thankfully I have found out who my real ones are, and who matter most. Words cannot express how much I need certain people in my life, and how much I will always need them. They pretty much know who they are, and yet maybe some of them do not... I promise all of you that even though I might not be showing you my gratitude and undeniable love, that doesnt mean it is not there, because I love all of you so much, and Thank You.

I promise to work more on showing you all how much I am thankful for you, and that I will try and maintain our relationships as best as possible. I wish I had more time to spend with all of you, because I know school just isnt enough.

Thank you guys, with all my love.

Wyro

I am looking forward to the holidays and being here again: